My Madness before returning to Europe

It’s only a couple of weeks now till I’ll be sitting on a plane back to the continent where I’ve spent 30+ years of my sweet little life (which came in a package coupled with infinite dreams of grandeur and nothing deemed as impossible!!)

I’ve been depressed as hell the last weeks. Nothing to do with my last post about the high heels sticking into my brains (metaphorically I mean🙂 )! I’ll be leaving my partner behind-actually I’ll call her wife from now on. We call each other that anyway in Khmer (she calls me ‘husband’ not wife!!)

And just to clarify, the dreaded return is coupled with being out of the job market for 2 years. Opening 2 years of mail (in 2 countries shall I add). And as you know mail (the physical kind that gets delivered by a person with legs….) consists of bills, more bills, reminders about upcoming bills and if one is really lucky then a court summons!! The latter I don’t have because the dangerous looking ones have been opened and emailed to me wherever I am. But all this bullshit bureaucracy-what a m’f’ing waste of time.

The title above does no justice to all the people I so dearly love in London and Berlin. And the title isn’t about them either. They are the reason for me to go back in the first place. If it wasn’t for them I would even collect empty plastic bottles from the trash piles here and sell them to buy my daily portion of rice. Nothing is beneath me. It would beat going back to high and mighty Europe (and the west). The pedestal they’ve placed themselves on has only one way to go-down!!

I won’t turn this article into western mentality bashing. Too lazy to write that much. In fact that could turn into a book. And I’m too young for that. I mean one can write when one is young, but I’d rather carry on collecting experiences and maybe one day dictate to someone and they can write-or maybe God will dictate to me and I will write (the real truth)!!

So I can post more colourful posts about fruity flavours of the sweet and sticky kind and pretend that all is well on Heaven and Earth…but it ain’t in my brain and it ain’t in my Heart! I hurt, I cry, I feel faint and I wanna drink, smoke and take strong medication to blur it all out till my return here is close again.

Changes, changes, changes!! My life seems so full of them. I embrace them I love them, I await them like a lost child waiting for his parents. I adore them and I hate them. What would life be without them?? Boring I hear me say as a past mantra!! But so much has changed since my 2 years here on the other side of the world from where I’m used to!! Sooo much has changed. And yet the fear is there. Will I go back to the skull-drudgery I left behind? The complaining and moaning because the train is minutes late?? Getting furious at the old woman for blocking my morning dash to the tube or bus costing me an irreplaceable 13 seconds of my life?? Or the supermarket queues-there goes another wasted 4 minutes and 42 seconds when I could be doing something useful like punching the punching bag in my gym. The unfair system one works under-be it the shit boss, crap company, the useless bollox they sell and want you to promote. What is this life worth?? Happiness and freedom. Freedom from the constraints of our mind that are drilled into us through every possible avenue from the moment we are born!! And the idea that happiness is something that we can only reach with the help of this expensive car, that massive house in the suburbs with all the other 30 somethings (or 20 somethings) in their brilliant jobs with magnificent wages whilst the wife fucks the milkman, builder or plumber for that matter.

The truth is – happiness is our natural state. Regardless of ALL outside influence. We have to really work hard to be unhappy. Constantly crave and run after the affluent useless excesses that makes some m’fucker somewhere richer and you miserable until you reach it and then happy for a few hours, days or even weeks if we’re lucky-until you’re on the trail again for the next shot of high that has been implanted into your waking state of consciousness that is really a sleep state because if you were really awake you would see it, realize it and not run after something that is artificial happiness that you pay for with your time, money, energy, thoughts and of course happiness. You would simply choose not to! You would simply be! And simply being is happiness. Being content and fulfilled with everything that is. Because all there is, is there right now and nothing you do will change that!! Not now. Maybe in a future now. But not now!!!!!!

So that’s my rant for the day (and a glimpse of what lurks beneath those saucy fruit juices of thoughts that I post in colourful delicacies time after time!!

Have a wonderful day and thank you for reading these mad rants that are not mad at all. Just a glimpse of hope and light in this madness we live in. And no I do not see myself as any such esoteric bullshit of light and hope. But we have it all in each and every one of us, we can just choose to look, test it if it works and then use it if it’s useful!!

Categories: About me, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

Post navigation

3 thoughts on “My Madness before returning to Europe

  1. As a westerner, I’m glad that you ‘won’t turn this article into western mentality bashing.’ Even if it’s because you’re too tired to do so. I find it appalling that you can tar us all just like that with the one brush.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Natalia Maks

Travel. See. Shoot. Learn.

peacetrailing

weltfrieden, weltfriedensinstallation, ruhe, liebe, frieden, freiheit, mutter erde,

~ Goat Track Photography ~

Ian G. Fraser, Brisbane, Australia

Kulturstudio

Wenn die Macht der Liebe die Liebe zur Macht übersteigt, erst dann wird die Welt endlich wissen, was Frieden heißt.

Whitbits Kitchen

A Multicultural Food Blog

2012 The Awakening

A resource for all souls on the journey toward building a New Earth!!

Mu Sochua: MP & Human Rights Advocate

Prioritizing women’s issues in Cambodia

Brain Study

Learning about the brain, body and how it all connects

Poetry&Words at Glastonbury Festival

The only stage dedicated to poetry at Glastonbury Festival

Diary of a refugee mother

This WordPress.com site is the bee's knees

thelittleloaf

Homemade Memories

My Food Religion

Pure Unadulterated Food. Food for the body and the soul. Food that makes you feel good from the inside out.

The High Heel Gourmet

Authentic Thai Dishes Reimagined for the American Palate

Good Clean Food

Living Deliciously Well

Homemade with Mess

who wants life to be tidy when you can have more fun making a mess??!

Break Room Stories

Service Industry Stories and More Since 2012

Generation Passport

World Mix Magazine (click title for home)

maggiesonebuttkitchen

Passionate about cooking and baking and love to share.

Dinner of Herbs

Love for healthier foods.

Currydemonology

Curry Coz you can !

A Wondering Minstrel I

I'm wandering from topic to topic and wondering what on earth I am doing.

The IDEA Bucket

Brings you the latest brew

Sufey

Inhale Joy, Exhale Gratitude

LOVE-the secret ingredient

Like to cook? Like to eat? Be a part of the conversation.

The Modern Home Kitchen

Inspiring the Way You Cook

transcendingbordersblog

A TWINKLING STAR- BRINGING A DASH OF HOPE, INSPIRATION AND LOVE IN YOUR EVERY DAY LIFE!

petit4chocolatier

food, writing, life, and other things in-between

Victor Travel Blog

An illustrated travel magazine by Victor Tribunsky.

Tranquil Dreams

寧靜的夢

roughseasinthemed

Living in Gib and Spain

Every picture tells one

Just not another photoblog

DENTIST CHEF

Dentist chef, just a dentistry student who practice the dentist's cooking recipes in a dentist's kitchen

Healing Pilgrim

Stories & images about travel, healing & life

Chilli Marmalade

Adventures inside and outside my kitchen

A Word in Your Ear

Stories and Photographs of my travels, Tales of friends, family, animals and my life

en quête de saveur

a flavor quest

peepsew

I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy

kizzylee

carpe diem?

Piseth's Diary | Freedom of sharing!

Sharing what I've learned and learning what is shared!

Without an H

Photography from south-east Asia by Jon Sanwell

cancer killing recipe

Just another WordPress.com site

Good Clean Food

Living Deliciously Well

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

frugalfeeding | Low Budget Family Recipes, UK Food Blog

n. frugality; the quality of being economical with money or food.

the lemurs are hungry

in search of deliciousness from Malaysia to Mexico

%d bloggers like this: