It’s only a couple of weeks now till I’ll be sitting on a plane back to the continent where I’ve spent 30+ years of my sweet little life (which came in a package coupled with infinite dreams of grandeur and nothing deemed as impossible!!)
I’ve been depressed as hell the last weeks. Nothing to do with my last post about the high heels sticking into my brains (metaphorically I mean 🙂 )! I’ll be leaving my partner behind-actually I’ll call her wife from now on. We call each other that anyway in Khmer (she calls me ‘husband’ not wife!!)
And just to clarify, the dreaded return is coupled with being out of the job market for 2 years. Opening 2 years of mail (in 2 countries shall I add). And as you know mail (the physical kind that gets delivered by a person with legs….) consists of bills, more bills, reminders about upcoming bills and if one is really lucky then a court summons!! The latter I don’t have because the dangerous looking ones have been opened and emailed to me wherever I am. But all this bullshit bureaucracy-what a m’f’ing waste of time.
The title above does no justice to all the people I so dearly love in London and Berlin. And the title isn’t about them either. They are the reason for me to go back in the first place. If it wasn’t for them I would even collect empty plastic bottles from the trash piles here and sell them to buy my daily portion of rice. Nothing is beneath me. It would beat going back to high and mighty Europe (and the west). The pedestal they’ve placed themselves on has only one way to go-down!!
I won’t turn this article into western mentality bashing. Too lazy to write that much. In fact that could turn into a book. And I’m too young for that. I mean one can write when one is young, but I’d rather carry on collecting experiences and maybe one day dictate to someone and they can write-or maybe God will dictate to me and I will write (the real truth)!!
So I can post more colourful posts about fruity flavours of the sweet and sticky kind and pretend that all is well on Heaven and Earth…but it ain’t in my brain and it ain’t in my Heart! I hurt, I cry, I feel faint and I wanna drink, smoke and take strong medication to blur it all out till my return here is close again.
Changes, changes, changes!! My life seems so full of them. I embrace them I love them, I await them like a lost child waiting for his parents. I adore them and I hate them. What would life be without them?? Boring I hear me say as a past mantra!! But so much has changed since my 2 years here on the other side of the world from where I’m used to!! Sooo much has changed. And yet the fear is there. Will I go back to the skull-drudgery I left behind? The complaining and moaning because the train is minutes late?? Getting furious at the old woman for blocking my morning dash to the tube or bus costing me an irreplaceable 13 seconds of my life?? Or the supermarket queues-there goes another wasted 4 minutes and 42 seconds when I could be doing something useful like punching the punching bag in my gym. The unfair system one works under-be it the shit boss, crap company, the useless bollox they sell and want you to promote. What is this life worth?? Happiness and freedom. Freedom from the constraints of our mind that are drilled into us through every possible avenue from the moment we are born!! And the idea that happiness is something that we can only reach with the help of this expensive car, that massive house in the suburbs with all the other 30 somethings (or 20 somethings) in their brilliant jobs with magnificent wages whilst the wife fucks the milkman, builder or plumber for that matter.
The truth is – happiness is our natural state. Regardless of ALL outside influence. We have to really work hard to be unhappy. Constantly crave and run after the affluent useless excesses that makes some m’fucker somewhere richer and you miserable until you reach it and then happy for a few hours, days or even weeks if we’re lucky-until you’re on the trail again for the next shot of high that has been implanted into your waking state of consciousness that is really a sleep state because if you were really awake you would see it, realize it and not run after something that is artificial happiness that you pay for with your time, money, energy, thoughts and of course happiness. You would simply choose not to! You would simply be! And simply being is happiness. Being content and fulfilled with everything that is. Because all there is, is there right now and nothing you do will change that!! Not now. Maybe in a future now. But not now!!!!!!
So that’s my rant for the day (and a glimpse of what lurks beneath those saucy fruit juices of thoughts that I post in colourful delicacies time after time!!
Have a wonderful day and thank you for reading these mad rants that are not mad at all. Just a glimpse of hope and light in this madness we live in. And no I do not see myself as any such esoteric bullshit of light and hope. But we have it all in each and every one of us, we can just choose to look, test it if it works and then use it if it’s useful!!