I wish everyone a wonderful new year!! I haven’t even opened my blog site in almost a month now.
Thanks to everyone that’s visited my blog and sorry for not even reading any comments let alone writing replies. I dunno if it’s writers block or just lack of motivation. The latter I think.
Here’s a picture from Bangkok as I was there for a few days last month shopping!!
The new year brings many challenges. Going back to Europe will be the biggest one in the coming months for me. Almost 2 years ion Asia now and I guess I’m so used to the way of life here that I might be in for a massive culture shock back in Berlin and London.
Reasons for going back are of course to spend time with my daughter, family and very close friends. And just as important I need to earn a bundle of joyful cash so I can get back here to Cambodia and continue living my life in joy and piece:-)!! Continue reading
It’s been a week since my last post – ‘why is love so complicated?’ where I was getting drunk on Khmer whiskey! There was an anticlimax of events that followed after I’d posted. I’ve written it up and have been to and fro whether to post it or not?? I’ve decided for the time being to refrain. It’s very personal and doesn’t put me in a good light (which I couldn’t really care less about). What I do care about is that the post is not for everyone-in particular my young innocent offspring. Or perhaps the one or other ex….. gloating at my mishap! So maybe at a later date. Or maybe with a password??
I’ve been very busy with the birthday of my girlfriend being last week. A few days before that I had a thought-there’s someone I know who shares the same birthday with her. Who on Earth is it?? It’s gotta be very close family because I’m hopeless with birthdays. I only send my friends greetings who are on Facebook and there’s a reminder. Of course mine isn’t listed publicly so I don’t get any birthday greetings en masse in reply ;-)!
And then it hit me!! She has the same birthday as the mother of my child. I was in shock for 2 days after the realization. Now this is just too much of a coincidence I thought!! Mainly because my relationship with her was the most intense and tumultuous time with a girl in my life. And after we broke up I paid with 5 years of misery and woman hate. Totally my choice of course. I didn’t take it well being a single father. My last fantasy dream of ‘happy families’ shattered. Anyway back to the present-there’s one thing I know – I don’t want a repeat of some of the extreme events that happened in that relationship!!!
I’m not a strong follower of astrology. I’ve followed many things in my life (mainly my momentary passions which rocketed through all sorts of esoteric weirdnesses) but not this.
I spoke to my daughter about the fact that my GF shares the same birthday as her mother. She was so sweet. Her end line was basically ‘what does it matter when her birthday is??’ Totally true. It’s just this innate fear. I repeat – Some parts of my life I do not want to go through again!! No matter what lesson I might’ve missed out on learning!! I’ll deal with it in another way!!
I believe in many things including destiny!! But I also KNOW that I can disagree with destiny and make my own!! How does that saying go…??
“Change what you dislike, can and want to in your life, and accept what you can’t!!”
Quote from dunno whom…now it’s from me :-)!!
Thank you for dropping by!!
Have a wonderful loving day!! 🙂
I’m drunk on Khmer whiskey. That’s a good start to a post eh?? Why?? Because me and my partner had a conversation about past relationships and sexual interactions. Why is it that I feel jealous about something before my time with her? I’ve felt this many times in the past where my logic tells me I don’t have a foot (or was that leg??) to stand on. I mean what happens before me is nothing to do with me. But FUCK, I have these feelings. And with all the work I’ve done on self awareness, I know that the emotions and feelings are mine. Nothing to do with her. I’m just reacting with something that belongs totally to me. What does it matter?? I feel shit!!! SO, gotta deal with it!!
How many times have I lectured on ‘feeling those feelings’ and not drowning out the sorrows especially with alcohol (or anything else for that matter)?? Now I’m doing just that!! I’m totally aware of myself and my feelings!! I know they are mine and nothing to do with my partner. Doesn’t make it any easier or help though!! I still feel SHIT!! I wont go into any details as this blog has it’s limits!!
I’ve almost finished the bottle all by myself-she’s not drinking much tonight! So I’m gonna go and get some more!! In case you were wondering, I am many things but not a drinker!! The Khmer whiskey is only 20%. Anyway, forget the ‘Rechtfertigung’! What does that mean in English?? Trying to explain something out of the way that I think might be wrong:-)!
So I’m gonna publish whatever I’ve written before I conk out or something else happens???? In a sober state I’ll be all rational. And that can be such a pain in the arse sometimes!!
I’ll add some smileys and pretend nothings happening…. 🙂 🙂 🙂
The title doesn’t really describe what I’m about to write but I like it and it sounds sort of tragic like Shakespeare (I have no literary patience or adoration for him after having to write bloody essays on Hamlet….or was it Romeo and Juliet??; for my GCSE’s-British final exams at the age of 16).
As always love is complicated…oh, did I mention that already in my last post a week or so back?? It’s amazing how I manage to have discussions and even arguments about the same F****** issues as in 3 out of 4 of my last relationships; all this in a language that is new and was very alien to me just 6 months back. My command of the language probably hardly surpasses a couple of hundred words but it REALLY is amazing that we can communicate issues of dire importance to our being who we are, what we think, like, dislike and even our past relationships.
One of the points of discussion (and frustration for me)…..is “who’s gonna cook today?” Continue reading
It’s 5am in the morning, I’m drunk and am writing ‘cos my girl (not partner but more than friend) is sleeping. I’ll probably regret this tomorrow and maybe even delete it!
Love is all that we want it to be. For me it’s a hug and being wanted. It’s being held tight. The words may not be what I want to hear but the actions are what count. I want to be me-totally me!! With all my faults and sh**!! There’s enough good stuff about me and I know it. I love who and what I am. I want to share it. I want to talk about it. I want to express my feelings. Be it with words or my actions.
I hate being judged. I want to simply be able to be me!!! Whoever doesn’t accept it doesn’t last long as a friend. I want to be listened to. I want love and affection. I want support in times of need. Don’t think that any of this wont be reciprocated because it will. Thousand time over! Is that too much to ask?? I don’t think so! I’m old enough to understand all the intricacies of what I ask. I’m able to realise what I know and am aware when I am lost!
I”m comfortable in my body and mind. I love who I am. It’s too much for some. They can’t deal with the reflection of their own failings. I deal with mine. There are plenty of those.
So what’s the meaning of this rambling?? None whatsoever!! Just my thoughts and my feelings. I have a lot of those and am not afraid to express it in person. In this virtual world it’s something else. You don’t know me with all my goods and bads. So I’m more careful with what I write. I don’t want to be misunderstood. I hate it in fact. But it’s a fact of life that happens. In person I detect it and will negate it with my understanding of your perception and attempt to communicate what I mean in reality. You can see me and feel me. It’s more difficult online. But it’s there. I feel the people I read the blogs of and communicate with. Distance makes no difference.
So thank you for listening and reading what sometimes may be crap, but it’s me in total honesty. I adore this world of blogging I have discovered and am totally intrenched -who knows for how long? Who cares? As long as I love it I’ll carry on!!!! 🙂
Another day watching endless senseless movies…….animal planet followed by stupid American movies. And then there’s Bollywood!! I have to reach a certain point of nostalgia and dreamy “perfect love” yearnings before I turn to Bollywood for comfort. And today I’ve reached that point. If anything, Bollywood manages to jerk my tears out of their prehistoric hiding place buried deep in my chest….to bounce around freely in expression of family, everlasting love and belonging that is routed in a cultural hereditary notion that I am somehow Indian….?? Continue reading
It’s been ten days since I started my first ever blog, and I must say since ten days all I do is think about it. Everywhere I go I’m having these discussions in my head Continue reading