Posts Tagged With: thoughts

My Madness before returning to Europe

It’s only a couple of weeks now till I’ll be sitting on a plane back to the continent where I’ve spent 30+ years of my sweet little life (which came in a package coupled with infinite dreams of grandeur and nothing deemed as impossible!!)

I’ve been depressed as hell the last weeks. Nothing to do with my last post about the high heels sticking into my brains (metaphorically I mean 🙂 )! I’ll be leaving my partner behind-actually I’ll call her wife from now on. We call each other that anyway in Khmer (she calls me ‘husband’ not wife!!)

And just to clarify, the dreaded return is coupled with being out of the job market for 2 years. Opening 2 years of mail (in 2 countries shall I add). And as you know mail (the physical kind that gets delivered by a person with legs….) consists of bills, more bills, reminders about upcoming bills and if one is really lucky then a court summons!! The latter I don’t have because the dangerous looking ones have been opened and emailed to me wherever I am. But all this bullshit bureaucracy-what a m’f’ing waste of time.

The title above does no justice to all the people I so dearly love in London and Berlin. And the title isn’t about them either. They are the reason for me to go back in the first place. If it wasn’t for them I would even collect empty plastic bottles from the trash piles here and sell them to buy my daily portion of rice. Nothing is beneath me. It would beat going back to high and mighty Europe (and the west). The pedestal they’ve placed themselves on has only one way to go-down!!

I won’t turn this article into western mentality bashing. Too lazy to write that much. In fact that could turn into a book. And I’m too young for that. I mean one can write when one is young, but I’d rather carry on collecting experiences and maybe one day dictate to someone and they can write-or maybe God will dictate to me and I will write (the real truth)!!

So I can post more colourful posts about fruity flavours of the sweet and sticky kind and pretend that all is well on Heaven and Earth…but it ain’t in my brain and it ain’t in my Heart! I hurt, I cry, I feel faint and I wanna drink, smoke and take strong medication to blur it all out till my return here is close again.

Changes, changes, changes!! My life seems so full of them. I embrace them I love them, I await them like a lost child waiting for his parents. I adore them and I hate them. What would life be without them?? Boring I hear me say as a past mantra!! But so much has changed since my 2 years here on the other side of the world from where I’m used to!! Sooo much has changed. And yet the fear is there. Will I go back to the skull-drudgery I left behind? The complaining and moaning because the train is minutes late?? Getting furious at the old woman for blocking my morning dash to the tube or bus costing me an irreplaceable 13 seconds of my life?? Or the supermarket queues-there goes another wasted 4 minutes and 42 seconds when I could be doing something useful like punching the punching bag in my gym. The unfair system one works under-be it the shit boss, crap company, the useless bollox they sell and want you to promote. What is this life worth?? Happiness and freedom. Freedom from the constraints of our mind that are drilled into us through every possible avenue from the moment we are born!! And the idea that happiness is something that we can only reach with the help of this expensive car, that massive house in the suburbs with all the other 30 somethings (or 20 somethings) in their brilliant jobs with magnificent wages whilst the wife fucks the milkman, builder or plumber for that matter.

The truth is – happiness is our natural state. Regardless of ALL outside influence. We have to really work hard to be unhappy. Constantly crave and run after the affluent useless excesses that makes some m’fucker somewhere richer and you miserable until you reach it and then happy for a few hours, days or even weeks if we’re lucky-until you’re on the trail again for the next shot of high that has been implanted into your waking state of consciousness that is really a sleep state because if you were really awake you would see it, realize it and not run after something that is artificial happiness that you pay for with your time, money, energy, thoughts and of course happiness. You would simply choose not to! You would simply be! And simply being is happiness. Being content and fulfilled with everything that is. Because all there is, is there right now and nothing you do will change that!! Not now. Maybe in a future now. But not now!!!!!!

So that’s my rant for the day (and a glimpse of what lurks beneath those saucy fruit juices of thoughts that I post in colourful delicacies time after time!!

Have a wonderful day and thank you for reading these mad rants that are not mad at all. Just a glimpse of hope and light in this madness we live in. And no I do not see myself as any such esoteric bullshit of light and hope. But we have it all in each and every one of us, we can just choose to look, test it if it works and then use it if it’s useful!!

Categories: About me, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

A New Year, A New Life…..??

I wish everyone a wonderful new year!! I haven’t even opened my blog site in almost a month now.

Thanks to everyone that’s visited my blog and sorry for not even reading any comments let alone writing replies. I dunno if it’s writers block or just lack of motivation. The latter I think.

Here’s a picture from Bangkok as I was there for a few days last month shopping!!

bangkok, happy new year 2013

The new year brings many challenges. Going back to Europe will be the biggest one in the coming months for me. Almost 2 years ion Asia now and I guess I’m so used to the way of life here that I might be in for a massive culture shock back in Berlin and London.

Reasons for going back are of course to spend time with my daughter, family and very close friends. And just as important I need to earn a bundle of joyful cash so I can get back here to Cambodia and continue living my life in joy and piece:-)!! Continue reading

Categories: About me, Love & Relationships, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Love, Love, Love

Sorry for not being able to write anything on my blog now for ages! I have 20 plus recipes ready to upload (after a bit of editing….(haha-a bit??). But errmmm….no time even for short messages:-)

Anyway, I am in my first relationship since 3 years. My more than friend and less than girlfriend has now become my ‘songsa” (sweetheart). I’m very happy for it. It’s not the same as 20 years ago. I’m not flying naked through the air wearing a bogroll (NOT blogroll) to cover my private parts in happiness. No, my relationships have always been weird and complicated….like everyone else I guess…?? But, I’m glad for it. I learn and learn and learn!

Living in 4 countries in 4 years has it’s down sides-namely meeting a girl and being able to be with her. They all run a mile when they realise I move often. I’m also not the easiest man to be with :-). The ones crazy enough to allow feelings to grow knowing my life style-well I hope it’s something they won’t forget. I know I never will!!

When I love a girl, my love is forever!! Regardless of how long we are together and why we decide to not to be anymore!

So this is my short update to all you lovely people who take time to drop by my blog! Thank you for looking and listening and have a wonderful day!!!!! 🙂

Categories: About me, Love & Relationships, Uncategorized | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

Love and all it’s encompassing weird entities!

It’s 5am in the morning, I’m drunk and am writing ‘cos my girl (not partner but more than friend) is sleeping. I’ll probably regret this tomorrow and maybe even delete it!

Love is all that we want it to be. For me it’s a hug and being wanted. It’s being held tight. The words may not be what I want to hear but the actions are what count. I want to be me-totally me!! With all my faults and sh**!! There’s enough good stuff about me and I know it. I love who and what I am. I want to share it. I want to talk about it. I want to express my feelings. Be it with words or my actions.

I hate being judged. I want to simply be able to be me!!! Whoever doesn’t accept it doesn’t last long as a friend. I want to be listened to. I want love and affection. I want support in times of need. Don’t think that any of this wont be reciprocated because it will. Thousand time over! Is that too much to ask?? I don’t think so! I’m old enough to understand all the intricacies of what I ask. I’m able to realise what I know and am aware when I am lost!

I”m comfortable in my body and mind. I love who I am. It’s too much for some. They can’t deal with the reflection of their own failings. I deal with mine. There are plenty of those.

So what’s the meaning of this rambling?? None whatsoever!! Just my thoughts and my feelings. I have a lot of those and am not afraid to express it in person. In this virtual world it’s something else. You don’t know me with all my goods and bads. So I’m more careful with what I write. I don’t want to be misunderstood. I hate it in fact. But it’s a fact of life that happens. In person I detect it and will negate it with my understanding of your perception and attempt to communicate what I mean in reality. You can see me and feel me. It’s more difficult online. But it’s there. I feel the people I read the blogs of and communicate with. Distance makes no difference.

So thank you for listening and reading what sometimes may be crap, but it’s me in total honesty. I adore this world of blogging I have discovered and am totally intrenched -who knows for how long? Who cares? As long as I love it I’ll carry on!!!! 🙂





Categories: About me, Love & Relationships, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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Natalia Maks

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